My son (20 years old) was diagnosed last year with type 1. He won’t have his eyes checked. I make appointments — he won’t keep them. He won’t listen to me. I can’t help him — he has shut me out. I don’t know what to do — he won’t go for counseling. Do I just sit back and let him do this himself?

You sound very worried about your son and very frustrated. It may be that his unwillingness to listen to your advice is because he sees the advice as your attempts to control his diabetes. Therefore, whatever you may say (even if your intentions are golden) can be perceived as controlling or nagging, and he will ignore or defy you just to prove that he is the one in control.

The sad thing, of course, is that it is his health that suffers. From the distress I pick up in your letter, the relationship between you and your son is very strained. If you wish to save it, I strongly urge you and your son to seek counseling. Your diabetes team will be able to help you find a good clinician who knows a lot about how diabetes affects families. If there are other people in your family (his father, siblings, etc.), I strongly urge that all of you go together.

JWB